It's funny that when I look around the blogs these days, I realize that so many people I knew are dead or missing. All the close friends or enemies I had are gone. I know how alone I am and that is why I must have Cynthia by my side or else I'll go crazy. I don't know if she understands, but I think that there is a part of her that is tempted to come back because she still feels the comfort and warmth that being with Him brings.

On a separate note, the Caretaker doesn't seem to like Simon much. I'm unsure why but I think it has something to do with his days before he found Him. Apparently he doesn't like police officers in particular and Simon definitely falls into that category. I hope that Mr. Radler doesn't find himself with a knife in his chest one night, that would be disappointing, wouldn't it?

Oh, and, sweetheart, I know you still check these blogs. I just want to let you know that you have a right to be paranoid.

His name is the Caretaker and like the name suggests he takes care of me. You can't just leave a pregnant woman alone after all and He makes sure that the Caretaker keeps me healthy. I know some of you have said that what I'm eating isn't healthy, but he assures me that it's perfectly fine for the child. Thank you for the concern, but I'm fine.

Seeing as I'm finding it harder to move around as easily too, he's been helping me with watching my family. He does a stupendous job of it--I believe Anthony got a little scared at his pictures? That was just a harmless joke so I don't see why he should make such a huge deal out of it. The real trouble is going to come later but the Caretaker doesn't want me to strain myself right now.

The nightmares have lessened as I eat more meat, so hopefully this means that the baby is calming down. I hope it's a girl, Tony. Because then when she's old enough He'll come for you and you won't be able to escape again.

Do you ever get the feeling that your baby might not be okay? Well, probably not because I'm sure most of you have never even been pregnant. But pretend for a moment that you have a child growing in you and instead of the normal symptoms of pregnancy you have developed strange habits and urges that you don't know what to do about.

For the last week I have been eating nothing but raw meat. Thinking back on this I realized that maybe there was something wrong because that can't be healthy for a pregnant woman to do in such large quantities. But then he told me that it was alright and the animals would be good for the baby so I started to skin dead rabbits and deer that I found outside of my new home and just eat them as they are. I don't know who left them. I doubt it was him because he has better things to do than attend to me. But that has been my diet for seven days now and I don't see myself stopping any time soon. Bloody meat and water. Somehow it tastes very good.

The nightmares grow worse some nights as well. I dream of clawing my skin off or ripping at my stomach to get to the baby and pull it out of me. Sometimes I dream of the baby talking to me, whispering to me how strange I am. And then there are dreams where I am with Tony and Cynthia but they're dead and I'm feeding them to my newborn. I suppose that might be the result of the strain of pregnancy.

It's just little things that when I think about them seem off. Especially since I don't remember going through such things with Cynthia, but I guess every baby is different, right?

Anthony you want to know why I hate you? Why I want you to die? The answers are quite simple and I think you already know what I'm going to say, honey.

You left me with my baby in my arms as soon as she was born. I never got one call, one e-mail, one anything from you for the next eleven years and had to raise my daughter by myself seeing as I don't have any parents to call my own since mine are dead. I lost the job I had that I loved because I couldn't raise a child and do it at the same time. I then began a long downward spiral of trying to get a job and either not obtaining the position or getting fired. But then again not being able to hold a job is my own incompetence, right?

Then you came back into my life as soon as I was about to get my daughter back. We could have been happy together, Anthony. I was going to be with her and him. And then when I try to help you get my daughter, I ended up in a situation even worse before. I didn't sleep, I hardly ate, I was plagued by horrible nightmares when I did, I woke up places that weren't where I fell asleep. I was essentially miserable and stuck with a husband who I didn't need anymore. I tried to leave you, found a woman better than you'll ever be and I had to leave her anyway.

And then in the end, when all of this is done and I think we're going to finally get my daughter back and maybe I have a chance to be happy, we fight with Redlight and not only do I get tazered, I lose one of my arms saving you and Simon because you're the most useless two men I've ever met in my life. Elijah was better than you were, Anthony. I wish he hadn't been killed, I wish it had been you.

When we were on the run after that, my arm burned shut by the very being that you said just wanted to kill us, I realized maybe he didn't want me dead. Maybe he just wanted you dead because you're such a nuisance, a cockroach that won't die even when every single being wants it to just DIE ALREADY. 

So I went with him because he cares about me and my daughter. And he'll continue to take care of us as long as we continue to serve him. I will do that and I will kill you because you're a large thorn in my side that needs to just go away once and for all.

That, Anthony, is why I want you dead.

Now why would I do that?

This is my baby, I'm not going to kill it. Some people are here are very strange...besides, I hardly think Tony would be happy if I murdered our child, don't you think?

I'm pregnant.

I've been having quite peculiar dreams lately. Normally they wouldn't matter but when I puke blood in my nightmares and then do it in real life once I wake up, I gather that maybe something is not right. I don't know. He tells me that I'm alright and I believe Him. He is taking care of me after all. But this constant nausea and the nightmares that are reoccurring and always the same now...well, I have to suspect that something is wrong, right?