Monday, June 13, 2011

Long days and restless nights


We arrived at Celeste’s house. I’m exhausted and as soon as we were allowed inside and shown an area to sleep, I passed out. I don’t know how long I was out, but when I dreamed it was of that scarred man, the look of shock on his face when the knife slid into him, and the dying light in his eyes as his hands tried to uselessly stop the bleeding. And the whole time that I see this happening over and over that monster is in the background, watching the man fall to the floor, body twitching. Then it looks at me, the stretched out skin on its face turned so suddenly in my direction- too fast and too abrupt- and I wake up sweating and with a scream bubbling up in my throat.

The others haven’t noticed how bad I’m doing right now, or they’re too preoccupied to care. Tony’s injuries are more obvious and so he gets more attention. It’s not like he ever asks for it, he just somehow always receives it…

I’m in pain too; it’s just mental and emotional. I think that I might be still in shock over taking a life, even if he would have killed me if he had the chance and I’m sure he wouldn’t have had dreams that woke him up in the middle of the night and left such dark circles under his eyes. I’m sure that those proxies don’t have much of anything to worry about save for listening to that thing.

I suppose that explains why Tony isn’t feeling much of anything.

I know he was a proxy for years, and I know that he did all sorts of things that he will never tell anyone. And he admits this to the world and all they can say is that it’s understandable that he would turn out this way and they accept him anyway. I don’t understand how someone like that could be viewed as a Saint of sorts, as someone who they can depend on even when he would turn on them at a moments notice if it saved his skin. Proxies are like animals, if you think about it. Killing mindlessly, regretting nothing, and controlled by their masters, their leaders. Perhaps in a way, we are too, but we still care.

 I guess if we used some of the bigger bloggers as examples, that one “M” man could be compared to a wolf, one who runs on his own and doesn’t accept the help of anyone. Mr. Strahm would be something of a noble lion, tough as nails and viewed as a hero of sorts. And then Tony would be a hyena. No one takes notice of the hyena, because he crawls in after the other animals, laughing insanely to himself because he has fooled everyone and picks up all the leftovers.

I’m unsure where I fall anymore in all of this. I am a murderer and yet I’m not feeling many emotions. If anything, I feel more…free. I did something that under normal circumstances would be frowned on, but here it’s merely normal. This is a society we have built, one that runs off of more animal instinct, and I am becoming more of an animal each day. It’s only a matter of time before the master comes and takes me away.

12 comments:

  1. they're not like animals, Cathy, they're just... empty inside. there's a reason they're called "hollowed"; they're just... shells. even animals have SOMETHING inside them, but all proxies can do is lose - identity, emotion, everything that they were. it's a miracle if they survive, let alone regain sanity and come back, and i think that's why tony's not getting much of a hard time.

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  2. I'm... slightly concerned about that last line, Cathy. Even in terms of the metaphor, it's a little... yeah...

    If there's anything to say about what you're feeling, it would be... Well, you did what you had to, and what's done is done, but killing someone else... It shouldn't ever be something you feel at ease to do. Avoid becoming an animal, Cathy. Do what you have to do, but you don't need to feel good about it.

    ...of course, you probably don't want to hear these sort of things from someone who hasn't experienced what you're going through. Just trying to be an open ear.

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  3. Cathy it frightens me to hear you talk like that. Please don't give up sweetie.

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  4. My dear sage, I do believe the proper term is 'hallowed', to be made holy by the Master. The mindless slaves are those who like you all, have refused to repent, yet still the Master is kind enough to grant purpose to their existence by allowing them to serve Him in the end.

    Those like myself however, do not appreciate being called animals. We are not all just psychopaths like Redlight or my associate. Some of us actually have real business to do, you know.

    ~Regards

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  5. To Ryuu- Who called them that in the first place? Who was able to prove that that is what they're really like? Can we actually say they're not just reverting back to animal instinct and being controlled? I just don't know what to think about them anymore...

    To Overmatter- I would say I never will, but so many people seem to move on so quickly that I figure it's only a matter of time before I care less as well.

    To Kay- I don't know what I should do anymore.

    To Iscariot- You're all animals being controlled by "the Master". It makes no difference to me if you have actual business or not because in the end you're still following orders and sucking up to this monster.

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  6. Um. Doing bad things sucks, a lot. Granted, I've never killed someone(that I know of), but I've done enough OTHER bad things to be able to relate.
    I've just caught up with your blog, you seem like an amazing woman. Don't give up.
    We're all cheering for you.

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  7. Ah, now see, that is where I must disagree. The Master does not control me, I do what I do because I want to do it. It is my choice to serve the Tall One; I could just as easily choose to not serve Him, but now why would I want to do that? Tormenting you runners brings me such pleasure.

    ~Regards

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  8. To Elaine- Thank you for the kind words, I wish I could think the same of some of the people I see on these blogs.

    To Iscariot- I'm sure tormenting your fellow humans is a wonderful pass time that puts a smile on your face because you weren't able to live a fulfilling life before that monster. But as Tony has explained it to me, that thing infects people, makes them believe one thing when the truth is really another. You may believe you're in control but the truth is that that creature would rip you apart if you tried leaving or would force you to stay. And it could make you come but you waltzing in on your own is so much easier and takes less effort. In other words, even if you enjoy what you do, it's still in charge and you know it. You wouldn't dare disobey it, would you?

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  9. Do you honestly believe that the Master cares at all what we do? With the exception of those He directly enslaves, any of us are free to go whenever we choose. It is not as though it would make a difference, He gets everyone in the end anyway.

    And of course I know He is in charge. He is in charge of all things. Everything you see bends to His will. So shall you when the day comes that He decideds you should. Until then He is merely toying with you. You might think you can run, you think this because He wants you to. I am more free than you for I at least can see the truth. You blasphemers are the ones in denial.

    ~Regards

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  10. I think that your master would not want you screwing things up for him, so yes, in his own way I'm sure he cares if his pawns are nuisances.

    I suppose he'll keep on toying with us then. Though lately we haven't seen him as much, so it warms my heart that he doesn't care about us as much anymore. Maybe that's a good sign and maybe it's a bad sign. Either way we're safe for now and still looking for Cynthia.

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  11. cathy why dont u love me anymore yuo like thage more i hate u as a lesbain

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  12. You survived, and saved Tony. There's no shame in survival, not when the alternatives are cooling in a pool of blood or being one of them.

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