Tuesday, February 22, 2011


We need to talk. You need to fill me in on what happened- no details excluded- so that I can see if I can try to help. Also, our daughter...Redlight said that she's in charge now. You need to be careful, she never did like you, and I'm guessing that she doesn't even more now that this thing is messing with her head.

And, um, we never really divorced because you disappeared, but back when we were at the hotel, you agreed with me when I said it didn't feel like we were a couple anymore. More like friends. We love each other and care about the other more than anything, but we couldn't ever...well, live together again. I'm not getting rid of the ring, it's just that

Today I kissed Thage on the cheek. Well, more like a few minutes ago. And now I've locked myself in her bathroom with my laptop because I messed up- it's just that she's been so kind, the kindest person I've ever met. And, well, I've developed a crush on her, I suppose. I can't help it and I don't know what to do now. I don't want to leave the bathroom because she probably hates me now and

please Tony, I need to talk to you. Please.


Saturday, February 19, 2011

Well, it worked.

I feel asleep for so long Thage had to wake me up. But it was nice. I will say this, the main dream I remember having was an "ideal date" dream. I think most of the girls around here should know what I'm talking about- nondescript man takes you to the place you would want a real guy to take you and does everything perfectly. But, um, I remember the man being Thage instead. Kind of awkward when she woke me up, I think. Thage, if you're reading this, you seem to be invading my dreams, haha! Anyway, I feel refreshed now, but as soon as I woke up, reality came crashing back in. Everything that needs to be done is now front and center in my mind again, and I'm worrying myself sick again.

Back to normal, I guess. I've been reading up on him during my stay here. I think everyone knows by now that he's been sighted over the years since...well, a very long time ago. It's shocking and, to be honest, the scariest thing about him, I think. He can do so many things to hurt you, sure, and he has these abilities and presence that defy everything about our world, yes. But the fact that he's been around since God knows when, luring people to the shadows and driving them insane with paranoia and fear...he's something ancient, something that is way out of our league. And we're trying to combat him, figure out weaknesses, and generally do something before our time runs out.

I'm not a fighter. I never have been, never will be. I just want to figure out how to get my daughter back safe and sound. I can't fight this thing. And maybe this is being a coward. But this creature cannot be defined or figured out because it's something that seems to defy reality. So honestly, I don't ever want to try and find anything about it. I'll stick with the people.

Take care of yourselves.


Friday, February 18, 2011


I've never even thought of trying it, but Thage suggested that we do give it a whirl to see if it could unwind some of the stress that's been building up. I guess the reason she suggested it is because I haven't been sleeping and I've been trying to read all these books on him and learn some fencing for defense so I'm not totally helpless. We'll see if this works. I trust Thage, so hopefully it'll turn out well. Wish me luck.

Take care of yourselves.


Tuesday, February 15, 2011


I just received one. The return address...I couldn't see it. Before I get to that, Ava, you have my daughter, correct? I believe I read everything right and that she is currently still under his control? Apparently some proxy, or even that thing himself, has been killing people because you have her.

The e-mail I got only a few minutes ago-it told me everything. I know what apparently the forth victim said, maybe in shorter words, I don't care. The little boy is younger than Cynthia and he wasn't even involved but because of me

I can either choose to give my daughter back to it or send an innocent in. I think I know how you felt now, Ava. Choosing between Reach and another. God I wish I had a plan right now. I wish I could talk to Tony, but I think I read that he's currently racing to get to you two. Surprisingly, I don't feel scared, or anything like that. I'm calm.

You all need to find Robert. He's priority in all of this because he can help people. So everyone should divert their attention to that detail above everything else. I'm going to give Cynthia back to him. The boy should not be harmed because he shouldn't be mixed up in all of this. Haha, you made a hard decision that night in the forest, didn't you, Tony? I get it now. I'm sorry for getting so angry at you. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do.

I'll get her back. I'll get her back myself. From Redlight, from any minion, from the boss himself. But I'm growing up, I think. Which sounds stupid because soon I'll have a full head of grey hair. But I mean it. I'm learning from all of you. And that's why I can give her back and promise her that one day I'll be the one taking her away from whomever it is.

Take care of yourselves.


Sunday, February 13, 2011

Dear Tony

...happy valentines day, you...you.

I'm sorry for hitting you even though you deserved it. Still...it was nice to see you again you jerk. I missed you. You don't know how much.

The blog time is off...it's v-day over here already. 

Hope yours is good.

Take care of yourself.


Saturday, February 12, 2011

What happened.

Where to begin?

A lot has happened over the last few days. I'm sorry I made you all worry- I didn't mean to, I just didn't have time to respond or get on. I guess I'll start from the restaurant since I wasn't making that much sense (but I'll summarize it only briefly).

I went to the restaurant to check it out and see if there was anything obvious- I even bribed the teenagers working to let me have at least ten minutes in the back without them bothering me. It's amazing how far a few dollars can take you. When I stepped into the employee area, Elijah caught me off guard. He must have been waiting...somehow- I don't know. It doesn't make sense to me either, but he was there and he was spouting all of this gibberish about how he had failed the first time and so he was to make sure I received the next clue. He had sewn the mailbox number under his skin. Oh God, I know he's a nurse and could figure out the least painful way to do this, but it still had to hurt so bad! And then he told me that I had to kill him and open him up. Well, I was a tiny bit smarter this time around and had put a broken brick into my purse. I swung it at him mid sentence and caught him in the head. It knocked him out and after I dragged him outside to the dumpster I rummaged around in his pockets for something sharp.

At the time...at the time I could only think that I was doing this for Cynthia, that it was okay that I was about to cut an innocent man open because it was all for my daughter. Anything for her, right? He had a knife on his person and I had to cut through the stitches as carefully as I could, peel back the skin and reach inside him to fish the piece out. I was expecting something to break open at any second- I don't know how I managed it, but it was probably because it wasn't wormed in between anything. It was more on the surface. There was blood everywhere...you can't do something like that without getting messy. And I was so afraid that he was going to bleed out- I didn't want to kill him. So I took his shirt off and tied it around the wound as best as I could and tried to get him into a position where it would slow the blood. Afterwords I ran back to my car and typed up that message. I was a wreck, and I probably shouldn't have taken off right after because I nearly crashed the car a few times.

I drove to the man's house. It was located in the middle of the woods. It was an incredibly stupid idea that nearly got me killed.

Initially I went into the house. More graffiti had been added over the years, but I could still pick out the words my friends and I had written on the walls. At this point I honestly wasn't sure what I was supposed to do, or if someone was going to show up. That was when I heard her calling for me from out in the woods. My baby...she was alive. I ended up trying to follow her voice and wandered around lost in the forest for who knows how long. Eventually she stopped calling for me and I kept trekking forwards. I came upon a picture in one of the many mud puddles of my husband and I's wedding day. We looked so happy...

When I leaned down to pick it up, this scarred man (I didn't get a good enough look when I was running away, but he had this brutal wound around one of his eyes) came up behind me and tried to hold my face under the muddy water. I panicked and managed to elbow him enough to break free and sprint in a random direction. Unfortunately I wasn't even wearing the proper clothing- I had dressed for the restaurant not a hike, and so I was running around in a skirt and flats. The scarred man chased me, made me even more scared than I already was, but eventually he vanished just like her voice. And I realized that no matter how long I ran towards the tree line, I never got any closer to getting out of the woods. This thing essentially had me running in circles, and I wore myself out.

I don't know how long it took me to finally stop stumbling around blindly, but when I did I curled up into a ball and huddled under a large tree. I was so so scared, lost, sore, hungry, and lonely. I think I started crying at some point, and I had, for some reason, not dropped the picture during all of this. Instead I clutched it close and refused to let go. I sat there as the sun went down and darkness settled. It was really then that I realized how stupid I had been running into this head first without proper guidance or planning. I was trapped in the woods alone, and he wasn't letting me leave.

That was when Cynthia stepped out from behind a tree. My heart...it lurched when I saw her, and I was flooded with relief, joy at seeing my daughter after so long, and even though I hate to say it, a smidgen of fear at what might happen. I was right to be hesitant. She...she told me to look at my watch. The hands had somehow jammed, and they were stuck at 11:11. Then she told me to make a wish. And she had this smile on her face, like it was the greatest thing in the world and then I realized she didn't step out from behind a tree. It was him. He was just standing there and, I assume now, watching me with that blank face...his goddamn face...that's the worst part. There's nothing there. It's just smooth and that's why it's so terrifying. You don't know what it's thinking, and if it feels, what it's feeling. It's like the feeling of dread you get whenever you're about to get results back and you aren't sure if they'll be good or bad. The coin could land on either side and you'll never know until he makes his move.

I actually started screaming for help at this point. My throat was raw from crying and breathing so harshly, but I just...screamed and screamed for someone, anyone to find me and help me because, God, I didn't want to die. Cynthia just kept smiling and she took a step back towards him, gesturing for me to follow her. I think she said something along the lines of, “Now we're a happy family.” And...I actually stood up and started to follow her. At this point I thought there was no way out of this, that it was over and I might as well end things. I know you all will probably be upset about this, but it's all I could think at the time.

And then all I hear is, “Get away from my goddamn wife!”.



That...insufferable jackass he just...out of no where...he football tackled me-knocked my head into a tree or something I wager because everything went black at this point.

Ha. Haha. I mean, really? Of all things that could have happened, of all the people who could've saved me it was him. My husband. Anthony Delmont.

Let me just finish before I begin to rant- I woke up in a motel room. It was mine, so I'm guessing he looked through my pockets and found my key. He also managed to find the car keys as well, because it's still with me and in one piece. When I saw him...well, to be frank, I thought he was a proxie and tried to beat him over the head with the motel lamp. But as soon as he started talking...it was him. My Anthony. He sounded as grumpy as ever, haha...

And get this, he didn't cheat on me. Oh yes, we had a nice long chat about what happened to him during those ten/eleven years. No, there was no woman he ran off with (though he did look vaguely uncomfortable when I asked him if he'd been with anyone during the time he was gone, I can only guess what that means) but it was because of Slenderman that he left. Apparently he saw him during the year we were married and after I had Cynthia he was afraid that we'd be pulled into his mess too and split. Hah. That did so much.

He more or less kept me hostage to the room, and honestly I didn't want to go outside for a while. I was scared I would see him now that I had had my first encounter with him face to no-face. But that man...he just annoys me so much! I couldn't take it! I don't know how you people put up with him! Yes, you heard me right, apparently he has his own blog and he's friends, or acquaintances or, hell, even arch enemies for all I care with some of you. Said he'd been keeping track of me through Ava and yet he couldn't say a goddamn word to me to tell me he was okay.

Tony. That's what he goes by, I believe. I don't know if you all recognize this, and honestly I don't care. My ex-husband is a jerk, and that's all I need to know.

I...um, I actually did knock him out. He kept saying I couldn't run off on my own because it was too dangerous, and while I agree, I'm not about to suddenly let him back into my life, just like that. So the brick came in handy again and I left him on the bed (which he doesn't deserve) and took off.

Tony, if you're reading this, honey, leave me alone. I don't want you in my life again. I don't care if you ran because it was good for me. I was better off without you and I'm going to keep it that way.

So, yes. That's what happened. I'm sore, I'm furious, and I'm still looking for Cynthia. I lost my chance and now I have to start again. I will find her, but next time I won't be caught off guard. Next time I will bring her back, I promise.

Take care of yourselves.


Friday, February 11, 2011

We have some catching up to do, don't we?

So much has happened. To me, to you all, to my husband, to my child. I'm going to try and write a summary. If you have any questions, ask them now and I'll try to answer. I'm sorry to you all but I have to be frank right now.

And I have a question of my own: what is going on with Reach and Redlight? Is he really...going to...well, push him?


Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Went to the restaurant have to type slow breathing too fast right now.

Bribed workers to let me look in back Elijah was waiting said I had to kill him if I wanted to the next clue. He sewed the thing into his stomach. Stupid nurse under control can't think for himself. Had put a brick in purse and knocked him out with it instead. Had to cut


had to cut open his stitches and reach in and pull the piece out without harming his organs. Dragged him outside and left him with pressure on wound. Ran back to car covered in blood now I look like a murderer hands won't stop shaking might be going into shock

the final clue is the number to the old man's house that friends and I snuck into in high school. It's his plate from the mailbox and the house is in the middle of the woods where he lurks shit.

Okay, I'm calming down now. Breath in, breath out. I have to go to this house, you guys. It's so obviously a trap but this is probably the chance I've been trying to get. I'm going now- the drive isn't far.

I know it's risky, and I know it feels like everything has been happening so fast. I feel like they have too. In fact, I think the events were purposely quickened to happen to me sooner so that Cynthia and I could find each other faster. That's not a good sign, but it's a sign nonetheless. The house is in the middle of the woods. I know something will probably happen while I'm there and it's a stupid idea, but I'm going. I'm telling you all in case something happens and I don't come back. If I die, or get taken or turned into a proxy, promise me you all will find Cynthia. She matters more.

Haha, this kinda feels like I'm walking to the gallows or something. I shouldn't be smiling but I am. If I go down I'll do it fighting. So much really has changed in only a couple weeks, hasn't it?

Take care of yourselves.


Monday, February 7, 2011

I'm okay

I'm sorry to make you all panic you guys. Everything was fine until I started hearing laughing children- obviously I was scared but when I kept trying to type the laughter turned into this high pitched squeal, almost like a siren. It was so loud and before I knew it, my ears and nose were gushing blood and I was barely able to post before I slid out of my chair and collapsed on the ground. Everything after that goes black. I honestly just woke up about a half an hour ago to clean my face up. I looked like a walking crime scene and I'm unsure how I'm going to get the bloodstains out of the carpet.

But I have important news: I remember.

I don't know why he made me suddenly recall everything that happened, but for some reason he did. My parents were killed by him while we were at the park during my seventh birthday. We were playing frisbee and my mom threw it too far and caused dad to go search in the woods for it. A few moments later she followed to give him a hand and told me to wait where I was. After about an hour of sitting there in the hot sun and wondering where they were, I finally went to check. I wandered around in the woods for hours, growing more and more lost every second that passed by. It wasn't too long before the sun began to go down. And it wasn't until after that I found them hung from trees, stomachs ripped open and organs pooling out.

I stumbled on them because I slipped in their pool of blood that had formed underneath their bodies. The smell...I can remember it now. It made me throw up everything in the little hotel toilet. And you know what? They were holding hands, the bodies I mean. The two of them went out together, which is at least a small condolence to the pain they must have felt.

I don't know why he attacked them. I remember myself going into shock, walking mechanically back to the parking lot in time for a small family to spot me and the mother to promptly start screaming when I walked into the light. I know he was behind me. I can almost feel him now, watching from the cover of the trees where my parents hung dead from the branches. Everything is so vivid in my mind, like it happened only yesterday. I suppose that's an effect from a faceless monster ripping my mind apart to drag the memories from the recesses of my brain.

Why did he do that?

Whatever the case I know that I never had contact with him until that night. After that I never saw him again. My parents must have somehow been connected as well, but to what extent, I have no idea.

The point in all of this is that tomorrow I'm going to look for that clue. By all means I should be a blubbering mess, and for a little while I was. I had huddled up on the bathroom floor in my blood and puke and simply cried for who knows how long. But crying doesn't solve anything. That thing that took my parents has my daughter. Everything is very clear right now. I'm not backing down. Sure I'll bleed and bruise, yes my bones can break, I may even choke and drown on my own vomit, but he's not going to rob me of my will to fight.

That son of a bitch took my parents, my daughter, and from what I'm finally suspecting, he's going to try and take my husband too, asshole that he was. There's no other person that that third stick figure could be because I still love him despite his cheating on me. So I'm going to find this clue and then find him. And if Slenderman gets in my way, well, he's going to get an earful.

Take care of yourselves.


No luck

I've had a headache for about an hour now- I think he might be close. Trying to bring back the memories isn't working and I really have no idea what to do. Ouch, might actually be developing a migraine of some sort. I'll keep working at this as I've been doing all day oh shit my head I don't think headaches are supposed to be this intense ouhc it hurts godam shit im bleeding oh fuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc


I think I'm starting to get what I'm supposed to remember. After a conversation with Kay, I've concluded that the dreams I've been having aren't really nightmares but memories. My mind is attempting to show me what I've forgotten, and it's working slowly but surely. The main dream I've been having has been my parents and I in the park.

Oh...I guess I should tell you all now because I told Kay I would: my parents are dead. Not only that but I can't remember anything around my seventh birthday and the years before that. It's all a hazy mess but it's slowly starting to realign. I've been pouring over it all day, attempting to bring back something that will just make it all click into place. Thus far I've been able to gather that we were in the park when my parents disappeared and I think I followed to look for them. Something happened when I went into the woods, and it's probably because of him.

I don't know how I lost my memory or why though. It could have been trauma, but I'm unsure of that yet. I'm going to keep working at pulling these memories out from the confines of my mind and put them in place. So far I'm getting bits and pieces, but nothing that really strikes me as odd. I haven't even seen a glimpse of him in anything, so I suppose that could be a good sign.

Any tips on getting your memory back?

Take care of yourselves.


Sunday, February 6, 2011

Another clue

I already went to the library early this morning. I was all nerves and was ready to bolt at the first sign of anything out of the ordinary. The lack of sound in the library really worked on my paranoia as well- silence does not do well with me, it seems.

The good news is that no one attacked me while I was there, there wasn't a glimpse of anything even slightly related to him. The bad news is this led right to another clue or whatever these things are.

The book I had to find was older than most because it was filled with newspaper clippings of the obituary section. I don't even know why something like this would exist and who would read it, but it was there when I went to check. There was a napkin in the back from a diner I worked in while I was in high school. I'm guessing that's where I'll be headed next.

I flipped through the book rather quickly while I was there and so didn't exactly examine every page. It might have been significant so I...well, stole the book. I had to sneak it into a bathroom and throw it out of the window and then go around to pick it up, but it worked.

Currently I'm sitting here wondering when I should leave. I could make the next city I need to go to by night fall, but then I also feel reluctant to move yet again so quickly. Any ideas?

Take care of yourselves.


Saturday, February 5, 2011

I'm here

I reached the city and booked a room for one night at a hotel. I don't plan on staying very long this time around. Last time, even though it was only a few days, it still felt dangerous, like someone was watching me constantly. I haven't been able to sleep much lately because of it. I'll try and rest for a couple hours tonight though because I know I need it. I look like a wreck and that's not very helpful for blending in.

Tomorrow I'll be checking the library. Here's to hoping nothing goes wrong.

And, by the way, you all still have nightmares of him, right? It's not just a symptom for the awareness in the beginning?

Take care of yourselves.


Driving again

I'm heading over to the town where the library is- I'm going to check it out. I know you all say it's a trap, and I know it probably is, but if I don't follow these clues or whatever the heck they are, more people might get hurt and I may never find my daughter. After all, the one who wants to find her the most is me. I think that's about it, so I'll just post some responses now.

To Vivi- Okay, that's good to know. I wasn't sure.
Yes, just the idea of ending another person's life...it's a horrible thought.

To Will- There's no where else I can really go. If this helps me find my daughter, well, I'm willing to take the risk. Yes, I read. Are you okay?

To Kay- Oh, it's nice to meet another woman who's in the older regions. Huh, I've never heard of the other man, but I do know about Zeke. It's actually great to know that there's someone older than me in all of this mess- it makes me feel young.
I don't know if I should be excited or nervous. It's obviously a means to make me even more sad and angry and it's working.

To Thage- Thank you for the encouragement, Thage. I'll try.

Hopefully nothing will happen when I go to this place. I'll update when I reach the town tonight.

Take care of yourselves.


Thursday, February 3, 2011

The school

Okay. Okay I’m calm now. Oh shit, no I’m still crying. God dammit it’s been a couple hours and I’m still jumping at shadows and I can’t stop the tears- alright, I’ll stop talking about that. Okay everything is fine. Just going to tell what happened now.

I-I went to the school. There was some kind of school fair going on so I guess it had ended early. But there were still so many people there- parents, children, friends, and staff. I got lost so easily, I didn’t know who to ask or go to. I guess I was just wandering around looking lost. Everyone was preoccupied with getting their activities done and there was no one to help. I started to panic- it looks like this constant paranoia has given me a fear of crowds and I was scared because I began to think that everyone there was hollowed out.
Right before I had a panic attack, this man…he came up to talk to me. I just

I dated him in college. Elijah Macintire. He went to another college, med school, was going to be a nurse or doctor or something.

At first I was happy to see a familiar face. He acted like he was surprised too, asked me how I was and if I was looking for anything. I said no, I was just checking out the school for my daughter. He answered…”Are you sure don’t want to know where Cynthia is?”


He made me come with him into the school- he threatened to shoot all the kids at the fair and their families and friend and I was so scared and so alone and I didn’t know what to do- I blanked out, I forgot what weapons I had with me and what to do in these situations. He took me to one of the family bathrooms with a gun pressing so lightly against my back like it almost wasn’t there but it was I could’ve died

When he locked us in, Elijah took out this envelope out of his pocket and waved it in my face. Told me that if I wanted it I’d have to come and get it. I don’t know as soon as he did that, everything just snapped back into perspective. I remembered the pepper spray I had in my purse and I managed to get him in the eyes and elbow him. He dropped the envelope and fell and somehow I fell down too and everything starts to become a blur here- he was trying to roll me over and pin me down and he hit me in the face with his gun, but I grabbed the changing station tray and smashed it down onto his head. Somehow, somehow I got the gun from him and I just kept hitting him with it over and over.

It took me a few minutes to realize that he was knocked out and when I did I grabbed the envelope, stuck the gun in my purse and ran out and to my car as fast as I could.

When I got back…I got a look at myself in the mirror…I didn’t look like me at all. I looked so crazy, ready to kill someone. I hate this feeling- I hate what I’m becoming. I just fought a man I was in love with at one point in my life and might have permanently injured him- I could have broken a bone or even killed him! And it’s all for this library card. Yes- that’s all that was in the god damn envelope, a library card from the library I went to when I was in middle school.

I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and hit something because I’m going insane. This thing is going to drive me crazy before I can get Cynthia back. Or it’s going to turn me into a cold blooded murderer and I don’t want that. Shit, I can’t stop crying.

I have to go right now

Take care of yourselves


I'm back

I okay i

Ihave to colllect myself i'm having a meltdown hold on and I'll post what happened I just need a moment to breath and ccalm down I'm jus t panicking right now and can't ttype properly

Here we go

I had a dreamless sleep last night, but I slept more than I have this past couple of days combined. If you can guess, I'm starting to sport some bags under my eyes- they look pretty bad. I've gone out to shop for an outfit that makes me blend in enough so that I don't look like the paranoid victim that I am. This means nice shirt, skirt, and flats. Not the ideal clothes if I get in trouble, but I don't want to be very memorable. I'm trying to play this very carefully.

I'm going to head over to the school soon. A little after lunch, I think. That should be close enough to the end of the day that I could stay after if I wanted to, and early enough for me to seem like a parent wanting to look at the classes. I have pepper spray and a rock I found outside in my purse, as well as some hair clips. I think this is the best I can prepare for a situation like this. I'll be in public, so I'm hoping there won't be much trouble. We'll see, I suppose.

Some responses:

To NOOC- I'm going to be as careful as I can get in the situation...no, I can't see the comment. Dammit- there are going to be children around everywhere, what if any of them get hurt?! I'm not going to die, so don't worry about me.

To Kaiju- Damn that almost sounds worse than being physically attacked. If anyone tries to talk to me, I'll try and tune out if they sound suspicious, but I can't make any promises. Whatever happens at the school...hopefully I'll be able to tell you all later on today.

To Ava- I have pepper spray, so I think that should be a good equivalent. I won't be trusting anyone.

To Liam- I can only guess what that surprise is going to be. I won't try to fight him if I see him- I'll be running as fast as I can away.

Thank you for the support. If all goes well I'll update again later today.

Take care of yourselves.


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Made it

I finally arrived at the town. I'm staying at a motel at the moment that has internet and feeling generally exhausted, though driving for long periods of time always does this to me. I made it over here without any hitch, and haven't seen or met any odd people or extremely tall business men.

I guess I'll handle responses now.
To NOOC- I guess you could say that. That's how most of you are too, if you think about it. Nothing gets done if you don't risk even a little bit. The good news is I'm not next the school more near it, it's about fifteen minutes away.

To Will- I know. Most people in this seem to have been involved with this longer than me. But I want to try and handle my problems alone for now. I might take you up on this offer later if I'm ever in trouble.

To Lucien- Thank you for the support. I know I have others that are perfectly willing to help if I ever need it, but for now I'm trying this on my own. Hopefully I won't have that much trouble.

To Kaiju- Thank you. I'll be sure to notify everyone if anything happens.

In conclusion, tomorrow I will be visiting the school in the afternoon when it lets out. I'm not exactly sure what I'll be looking for, but I'm going to tell them that I'm thinking of potentially enrolling my child in it. That should buy me enough time to at least look somewhat thoroughly and have access to most of the school. It's not a fool proof plan but it's all I have right now.
Any suggestions on what weapons to bring? I obviously can't bring a baseball bat, but I'm definitely putting the pepper spay in my purse. If there are any suggestions, I may be able to go out and get something tonight.

Thank you for all the support. It really does mean so much to me that everyone seems to want to help.

Take care of yourselves.


I'm leaving

God dammit, I can't even stay in one place for less than a week and something happens!

This morning...that is, three hours ago or so, I couldn't sleep so I got up to make some coffee and look over my notes again. Of course the ex-hubby's parents were still asleep (they've been so kind, I really don't want to leave them but I have to) and so I was the only one up. They own this one cat- can't remember it's name, but it's pretty fat and stuck up- started looking towards the front door and hissing. The thing was arching its back and showing all of its teeth.

When it started to do this my stomach dropped and I wanted to run upstairs and hide under the covers of the bed. In fact, I actually started to make a break for the stairs. But then...I realized that something may happen to put these people who were taking care of me in danger, and I remembered how I said I was going to do anything to get my daughter back. So, against my better reasoning, I walked to the front door to look outside of the windows beside it. I'm sure I looked like I was about to throw up, and I felt like it too. And that damned cat just kept hissing and started yowling, like it was being attacked.

There was nothing at the front door, but there was this figure standing down the driveway next to the mailbox. It looked like a female, but I couldn't see any distinguishing features, so I didn't recognize her. As soon as we made eye contact, she raised this envelope towards me and then opened the mailbox to put it inside. She then began to run away. It was about here that I realized maybe I should be doing something, so I grabbed an umbrella out of the case next to the door, and ran outside to try and catch her. By the time I reached the mailbox she was gone. And this makes me even more nervous because the road by the house is set up to where you can see someone coming and going for miles...she just vanished into thin air.

Oh hell, I feel like I'm going to throw up again from nerves. But I'm going to finish explaining this for you all.

I got the envelope out of the mailbox and proceeded to run as fast as I could back inside. I just had this feeling of someone watching me and it terrified me. When I closed the front door and locked it, I then went into the upstairs bathroom and locked myself in. There are no windows in there and just one door to get in and out. Brought my laptop in as well and really made a fort in the tub with pillows and blankets. It sounds childish, but I felt safer.

There was only one thing in the envelope: a picture.

It's a picture of me and my first foster parents on my first day to elementary school. Cynthia...I'm guessing that Cynthia drew and wrote all over it. She...she doodled hearts around my younger self, scribbled x's over the parents faces and drew...she drew it in the background, behind us. It's just looming over us and it makes me feel like crying every time I look at it. On the back she only wrote one thing, "better get moving" with a heart.

They know where I am. They might have been watching me for the last few days. I have to leave. If I stay any longer I think I'm going to put these people in serious danger.

You know, I wanted to avoid this. I had thought that if I could just find a place to stay maybe things would be normal again. But this morning I realized that what is happening to me will never be normal and I'm going to have to do things myself if I ever want it to be resolved enough. I can't avoid this problem by researching infinitely and making sure not to do any physical work. I have to do this. I am her mother. Honestly I'm older than most of you in this situation, so that should make me more responsible and more ready to handle things. I'm going to try and be brave you guys.

Today is going to be my first day of running. I know it'll probably never end. But at least I know where I need to run to first: my elementary school. I'll see if I can find anything there...there has to be a reason that I was given this picture.

Take care of yourselves.


Tuesday, February 1, 2011


Nothing happened today. It was a wonderful and terrifying feeling- I'm sure many of you can relate to this. When he's not here it's a relief but it makes you anxious, wondering what's going to happen in the next week, month, year.

I realize that a lot is happening to me right now, but I wanted to ask about everyone who is following, helping, or even just peeking in: how are you? I'm not the only one in a situation that's bad, and I want to help as best as I can, not just sit around like some damsel in distress.

I think that's it for today. Hopefully tomorrow will be him-free as well. I've been looking into more of the blogs and facts about him, collecting data, and trying to figure out what those diary pages mean. Also I'm trying to convince the parents that I'm alright. God they're nice people. I wish their son had turned out the same. Alright, I want to hear from you all! Don't avoid this question because you're dealing with a worried mother!


P.S.- the dreams have come back. Dammit.