God dammit, I can't even stay in one place for less than a week and something happens!
This morning...that is, three hours ago or so, I couldn't sleep so I got up to make some coffee and look over my notes again. Of course the ex-hubby's parents were still asleep (they've been so kind, I really don't want to leave them but I have to) and so I was the only one up. They own this one cat- can't remember it's name, but it's pretty fat and stuck up- started looking towards the front door and hissing. The thing was arching its back and showing all of its teeth.
When it started to do this my stomach dropped and I wanted to run upstairs and hide under the covers of the bed. In fact, I actually started to make a break for the stairs. But then...I realized that something may happen to put these people who were taking care of me in danger, and I remembered how I said I was going to do anything to get my daughter back. So, against my better reasoning, I walked to the front door to look outside of the windows beside it. I'm sure I looked like I was about to throw up, and I felt like it too. And that damned cat just kept hissing and started yowling, like it was being attacked.
There was nothing at the front door, but there was this figure standing down the driveway next to the mailbox. It looked like a female, but I couldn't see any distinguishing features, so I didn't recognize her. As soon as we made eye contact, she raised this envelope towards me and then opened the mailbox to put it inside. She then began to run away. It was about here that I realized maybe I should be doing something, so I grabbed an umbrella out of the case next to the door, and ran outside to try and catch her. By the time I reached the mailbox she was gone. And this makes me even more nervous because the road by the house is set up to where you can see someone coming and going for miles...she just vanished into thin air.
Oh hell, I feel like I'm going to throw up again from nerves. But I'm going to finish explaining this for you all.
I got the envelope out of the mailbox and proceeded to run as fast as I could back inside. I just had this feeling of someone watching me and it terrified me. When I closed the front door and locked it, I then went into the upstairs bathroom and locked myself in. There are no windows in there and just one door to get in and out. Brought my laptop in as well and really made a fort in the tub with pillows and blankets. It sounds childish, but I felt safer.
There was only one thing in the envelope: a picture.
It's a picture of me and my first foster parents on my first day to elementary school. Cynthia...I'm guessing that Cynthia drew and wrote all over it. She...she doodled hearts around my younger self, scribbled x's over the parents faces and drew...she drew it in the background, behind us. It's just looming over us and it makes me feel like crying every time I look at it. On the back she only wrote one thing, "better get moving" with a heart.
They know where I am. They might have been watching me for the last few days. I have to leave. If I stay any longer I think I'm going to put these people in serious danger.
You know, I wanted to avoid this. I had thought that if I could just find a place to stay maybe things would be normal again. But this morning I realized that what is happening to me will never be normal and I'm going to have to do things myself if I ever want it to be resolved enough. I can't avoid this problem by researching infinitely and making sure not to do any physical work. I have to do this. I am her mother. Honestly I'm older than most of you in this situation, so that should make me more responsible and more ready to handle things. I'm going to try and be brave you guys.
Today is going to be my first day of running. I know it'll probably never end. But at least I know where I need to run to first: my elementary school. I'll see if I can find anything there...there has to be a reason that I was given this picture.
Take care of yourselves.