Monday, January 16, 2012

Do you ever get the feeling that your baby might not be okay? Well, probably not because I'm sure most of you have never even been pregnant. But pretend for a moment that you have a child growing in you and instead of the normal symptoms of pregnancy you have developed strange habits and urges that you don't know what to do about.

For the last week I have been eating nothing but raw meat. Thinking back on this I realized that maybe there was something wrong because that can't be healthy for a pregnant woman to do in such large quantities. But then he told me that it was alright and the animals would be good for the baby so I started to skin dead rabbits and deer that I found outside of my new home and just eat them as they are. I don't know who left them. I doubt it was him because he has better things to do than attend to me. But that has been my diet for seven days now and I don't see myself stopping any time soon. Bloody meat and water. Somehow it tastes very good.

The nightmares grow worse some nights as well. I dream of clawing my skin off or ripping at my stomach to get to the baby and pull it out of me. Sometimes I dream of the baby talking to me, whispering to me how strange I am. And then there are dreams where I am with Tony and Cynthia but they're dead and I'm feeding them to my newborn. I suppose that might be the result of the strain of pregnancy.

It's just little things that when I think about them seem off. Especially since I don't remember going through such things with Cynthia, but I guess every baby is different, right?